In ‘Little Shop of Horrors’, we delve deep in to the world of online shopping to find some of the most horrific Muppet items available.
Jarrod Fairclough – Welcome back horror fans, as we explore the dark chasm of eBay and shine a torch on the scary things we find. Today we focus on everyone’s favorite frog, Kermit. What fresh hell awaits us? Let’s find out!
A note before we begin – a few of these items suffer from poor manufacturing, rather than just being terrible products. But they still count as horrific nightmare fuel.
In the last edition of ‘Little Shop of Horrors’, we saw a Miss Piggy mug designed by Sigma in the 1980’s. This is the companion piece to that, a Reporter Kermit, looking very content with his terrifying self. He holds his microphone to his chin, taunting you, as if to say that ‘If you drink from me, you will need an electrolarynx’. Also, aren’t Kermit’s eyes on the top of his head? If so, what’s inside that hat?
The Kermit the Frog Large Plush
This product of poor manufacturing is less ‘Your good friend Kermit’ and is more ‘Your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving Kermit’. I mean, I’ve heard of having eyes in the back of your head, but this is ridiculous. This Kermit plush seems to have been possessed by the devil, and requires an exorcism upon arrival at your domicile, otherwise you’ll get a Poltergeist situation next time you watch Kermit’s Swamp Years (actually not the worst thing that can happen when viewing that film).
The Kermit the Frog Puppet
This product’s main issue is that the seller didn’t bother to put their hand inside the puppet when taking photos of it. Instead of the nice round head we’re used to, we get an unfocused caved in mush. It looks like a childish version of Kermit, but not in a cute Baby Kermit way, or even a cute Robin way. No, this is Kermit’s nephew that was dropped on his head, and has a heart of gold, even if he is a little different.
The Kermit the Frog Photo Tshirt
If you can’t see that image properly, let me tell you what’s going on. Kermit has a green ribbon wrapped around his neck. It’s so tight, that he is choking, and his eyes -normally adorable and endearing with their strange shape – have bulged out so much that he has perfect circles. This shirt is terrifying, and wrong, and will be in my closet in the next 3 weeks.
The Kermit the Frog Pillow
Another case of poor manufacturing, this Kermit pillow shows what it would look like if the frog succumbed to the Hollywood standard and got plastic surgery. His eyes are straighter, his mouth is permanently open in a terrifying smile that is probably more like a scream, and he has the Kardashian lips going on. He’s puffed up his collar, which should get rid of the wrinkles, but is really just extenuating them, and he is about to go to an event where everyone will comment on his new look telling him he looks great, but will report on E! News that he looks horrible and is probably comfort eating and is that a shock baby bump and you won’t believe who he’s dating now.
The Kermit the Frog Toy
This answers the age old question that I know we’ve all been asking since 1969 – what would happen if Kermit had a baby with one of the Yip Yip Martian’s from Sesame Street? The answer is an alarming wide frowning long headed monstrosity. Is this the most ghastly thing you’ve ever seen? Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip – uh huh.
So the lesson here is that toy manufacturers are sometimes bad at their jobs, people like to edit photos to print on t shirts so they don’t get sued, and alien Kermit is as off-putting as Kermit’s Swamp Years.