Ryan Doschevtsky – Hi-lo, Constantine fans! It is I, Ryan Doschevtsky, World’s Number One Constantine fan and owner of Constantine Mindset. Do not worry, little friends, all is good. Today we take look at how to become more like Constantine, World’s Most Dangerous Frog and Number One Criminal. If you click away from page… computer will explode. You have been warned.
1. First step in getting into Constantine Mindset is to have mole on right lip. For tips on mole placement and finding perfect mole for skin tone, contact Mikhail’s Mole Mart. Very helpful.
2. You must also have evil snarl. Practice by contorting face in various positions while reminding yourself you are Number Two. (Constantine is always Number One.)
3. Develop evil plot. Constantine is nothing without evil plots.
4. Execute evil plot.
5. Get thrown in gulag for executing evil plot. (This hardens soul and makes more evil.)
6. Escape gulag using combination of kung-fun and boom-booms. (DO NOT be released for good behavior. Constantine never shows good behavior.)
7. Hire Number Two who is worthy sidekick and will not double cross. Number Two distracts police and prison peoples from your evil plots by having own evil subplots.
8. Take up knitting or other harmless activity. It calms mind and gives impression you are less dangerous, allowing for sneak attack.
9. Take dance lesson. Dance makes more agile and more talented Constantine. Plus it sways worried women. Try Dmitri’s Dance Dome for lessons and best borscht this side of Sochi.
10. Final, most important step in becoming like Constantine is… to be Constantine. Sorry. There can only be one Number One. Bye bye.
The Constantine Mindset by Ryan Doschevtsky