Maxwell Jessop – Hello, dudes, dudettes… and other hip variations of the word dude! I’m back! Sorry for my inactivity around here. But I’m gonna make it up to you, because today I’m going to show all you singles out there how to win a lady… or a chicken… I get the two mixed up sometimes. I mean, aren’t girls called chicks sometimes? Anyway, here it is!
1. First things first, decide who you would like to date. Find someone you would like to show your affection to. Anyone will do, quite frankly. Remember, girls with feathers and beaks are not deal-breakers by any means.
2. After finding that one person, plan something special for her. Possibly bring her flowers. This is a very tricky thing, however, because some girls are allergic to such gifts. Hay fever isn’t exactly something that’ll boost your odds of her liking you.
3. If you don’t want to try all the other clichés in the book (optional), try singing a song to win her heart. Write the song yourself. Women love that. Be sure to include lyrics like, “you’re prettier by far than Godzilla…”
4. By now you’ve probably won her love, if you didn’t change your mind and fall in love with a big yellow canary, that is. Still, solidify your relationship. Take her on your wild and crazy escapades. Nothing shows your love more than strapping her to a motorboat and having her do her best impression of Tony Bennett singing “The William Tell Overture.”
5. Take her to all your holiday activities. Come Christmas, she’ll love to snuggle up with you around the fireplace. Just be careful. The Christmas Turkey has his eye on her. He’s one sly bird.
6. (Optional) Take her on vacations. I hear Walt Disney World is a fine place to be this summer. I’d recommend for you and your gal check out Walt Disney’s Laundryland–the most romantic place west of the broom closet.
7. Listen closely for this one, be sure to remember her. I don’t just mean keep her in your thoughts and don’t forget to be romantic, do that, I guess. But, I mean, don’t forget what she looks like. The color of her eyelids might be recognizable, but it’s pretty hard to tell these girls apart.
8. Also, don’t forget to cheer her on. Be there for her whenever she does something exciting. It won’t always be as exciting as eating a rubber tire, but it’s good to be there when she’s showing her talents. Especially if she’s singing a clucking rendition of Cee Lo Green’s hit song, “Forget You.”
Disclaimer: The Muppet Mindset will not, cannot, and shan’t not be liable for any emotional, physical, mental, metaphysical, or bacteriological damage associated with following the steps in this How To guide. We have literally no faith that these steps will work nor do we believe any dating advice with the style and mindset of Gonzo the Great will work. We do not condone treating women like chickens. We do, however, condone going to the world-renowned Walt Disney World laundry facilities. Please, just do not sue us. We’re still in a legal rough patch. Right now, our lawyer is Ryan’s fish he got at the State Fair. All he does is float around upside down at the top of the bowl in that scummy water…
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com