Maxwell Jessop – Welcome back, readers. Or should I say, students? I hope you’re studying up for the Muppetology school season coming real soon. I know Ryan won’t give tests, but… I hope you’re studying anyway. But that’s not why I’m here. You see this How To is for all those MMIT (Muppet Mindset Institute of Technology) students and anyone else who’s staying on campus dorms with a roommate, especially the real boring ones. Knowing Muppet fans, you guys are pretty energetic. So here’s a little How To to help you become a better roommate. For their sake.
- First off, start reevaluating yourself and slowly find out what your roommate does and does not like. So, put down the duckie and start to change!
- Start small and decrease the noise in your room. Try to refrain from playing instruments, especially the drums, which can easily affect your roommate’s quiet time. Additionally, try not to start spontaneous sing-alongs in the bathroom while your roommate is bathing… It gets really awkward, really fast (especially if there’s a bass fiddle).
- In another act of restraint, avoid taking off your roommate’s nose. It doesn’t make for pleasant conversation and tends to hinder smelling. I know it might help if you’re sculpting an amazing likeness of him or her, but still, it’s not nice.
- I’d also advise not to play games a lot of times. Unless your roommate agrees to, which is likely if you start playing a game with rhymes. Hey, that rhymed!
- Listen to your roommate and try to find common ground between the two of you. Oh, and if you’re having trouble hearing him, take the banana out of your ear!
- Don’t waste his/her time. While it’s nice to show your roommate something funny every once and a while, don’t preoccupy his possible study time or quiet time with a short story that’s really the alphabet or have him guess who you’re playing when you’re playing house.
- Continuing on from number 6, don’t hinder his sleep. He must get enough rest to sustain himself. That can’t happen if you’re eating cookies in his bed. (Also awkward.)
- Moving on to what you should do, treat him nicely. Get to know him/her and try to enjoy the things he enjoys. Read a bit of his book, maybe take a look at his pet pigeon, maybe share a licorice whip with him/her. Just try not to hog it all.
- Do more than just hang out in your dorm. If you two have any sort of rivalry, it will be hard to picture. But just hang out and become friends. Maybe go outside for some rock hunting, or dress a snowman, explore Egypt… maybe I’m a little ahead of myself here.
- (Optional) Get your roommate a nice Christmas present. This step will help a lot to further your friendship and respect towards each other. Maybe it’ll end up being some Gift of the Magi thing–you never know. The only expertise I can give for this step, is to get him/her something he’ll cherish.
- Lastly, respect him/her. All these steps will help, but just respect and kindness can go a long way. This is truly the way to be a good roommate.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not, has not, and most likely will never be legally accountable for any mental, emotional, physical, or antibacterial damage caused to you, your family, your roommate, or your roommate’s pet pigeon by doing our steps. While, we assume that these steps would be nice for your roommate, we do not believe any of these steps will work for legal reasons… Heck, we don’t believe any of our How Tos work. We especially do not agree that taking your roommate to Egypt will help develop a friendship whatsoever–especially if said roommate is attacked by a mummy. Overall, we do not recommend this How To for actual use. Seriously, our lawyer is my friend Sydney’s cat. Hey, we needed a lawyer and Ryan is on a tight no-pet budget after Disney World, so, as always, don’t sue us!
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, firstname.lastname@example.org