Ryan Dosier – Who wouldn’t want to be a Fraggle, right? You get to be fun-sized, furry, have a tail… Today on The Muppet Mindset we are pleased to introduce our guaranteed-to-work* method of turning yourself into a Fraggle! Just follow this step by step guide and you’ll be well on your way to dancing your cares away!
- Develop a taste for radishes – As the staple ingredient in the entire Fraggle diet, radishes are something you must learn to love. Either that, or wait to try Doozer sticks when you get to Fraggle Rock and hope you like them (although I’ve heard those are mostly radish dust anyway).
- Learn to flee Gorgs – You thought training for a triathlon was hard? Try outrunning gigantic, mountain-like hairy creatures that try to thump you just for trying to taste the aforementioned radishes. Begin your training by dodging cars in a crowded street.
- Learn Fraggle songs – If you ever want to be able to dance your cares away like a true Fraggle, you have to learn the songs of your kind. Might I suggest buying the Fraggle Rockin‘ CD Collection for your introductory course?
- Decide upon your job – All Fraggles have jobs… but only for a thirty-minute work week. Wembley is the siren for the volunteer fire department (who don’t even know how to start a fire!), Mokey collects radishes… what will you do? Might I suggest Fraggle barber?
- Get the hang of cave navigation – You don’t want to get lost in your new home. Might I suggest some amateur spelunking? That’s a great place to start getting the hang of caves.
- Go around without pants – Have you ever seen a Fraggle wear pants? Nope. Me either.
- Demolish constructions – Fraggles break Doozer constructions. That’s the way it is. Circle of life and whatever. I would start small… break your younger sibling’s LEGO constructions and upgrade to deconstructing actual buildings–after that, Doozer constructions will be easy as peach and radish pie!
- Get silly – Above almost all else, Fraggles are goofy, silly things. Wear a clown nose, tell a bad knock-knock joke… just do something to be a fool for a little bit. Preferably in the audience of your peers.
- Grow a tail – A Fraggle’s well-being relies on the health of his/her baloobius, which is apparently in a Fraggle’s tail. So… start growing! Might I suggest water and sunshine daily?
- Dance your cares away – ‘Nuff said.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not condone any of the aforementioned steps to becoming a Fraggle and is hereby not legally obligated or responsible for anyone maimed or otherwise changed by following these steps. If you choose to play in traffic, eat nothing but radishes, spelunk without a proper permit, and run around pantless, that is your decision and your right to sue is forfeited (probably). Studies have shown that playing in traffic, improper spelunking, and naked running can lead to death, peer-laughing, cave madness, and chronic depression–all of which are very un-Fraggly. Partake in these steps at your own risk.
*Nothing about this is guaranteed to work. The writer himself is also not guaranteed to work. Especially not for free. Maybe for food.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com