Maxwell Jessop – Welcome, Muppet fans, to the revival of the revival of The Muppet Mindset Presents How To! Sorry I haven’t been posting more often. Blame it on schoolwork. Had test after test for the last week of school, but now it is summertime and you’ll be seeing… err… reading from me a lot soon!
Anyway, for today’s How To, I thought we’d do something a little different and show you how to become the ultimate storyteller rivaling The Storyteller himself! Let’s begin.
1. First, to be a storyteller you’ve got to remember to have a passion for stories. If you don’t have that, this “How to” is not for you. (But please keep reading anyway.)
2. Moving on to simpler stuff, you must have a talking dog or some other anthropomorphic animal. They really help for plot exposition and they cure loneliness. Oh! And have him be performed by Brian Henson. That makes for a really cool dog.
3. Now for another vital step: personality. To be a storyteller, you must be a fun-loving person. While the storyteller who told Greek myths was very melancholic, it is better to have fun reading your stories than to not. This makes for an entertaining and enticing story that can also provides comedic relief.
4. And before I forget, much of everything you do has to be done in a comfy chair near the fire. In a way, how everyone does it in Christmas specials. So you’re gonna have to have a chair and a fireplace. Pretty simple step, huh?
5. Optional step: Use prosthetic and some wacky coats to look like a wise old storyteller when reading your story. Doesn’t add anything really, but gives you the chance to dress up before Halloween comes.
6. Next, is an integral part of this “How to”: the story. If anything, the story should probably come first… but I think it’s more fun to dress up like John Hurt first. Now, a good storyteller doesn’t limit himself to the more popular tales. Suggested stories should be unique and rare, if not an original of your own. Oh, and fan fictions count in my book. I’d suggest a German fairy tale, more specifically, an Early German one… if you got that reference, then five points for you! But, I will say, change it up every now and again. Even pick one of your favorite stories and read it.
7. Now, visual aid is also highly recommended. I’d suggest getting some cool creatures to show during your story. A dragon is a highly recurring creature and is a must when telling such fairy tales and myths. Also maybe get a few snakes or one of those hybrid man-animal things. These will definitely help when telling stories.
8. Once you’ve got all the musts, it’s time to put the frosting on the Muppet-themed birthday cake. You’ll need A-list or B-List actors to further help with visual aid for the story. For example, Brad Pitt’s perfect to play the male lead you’re telling the audience about. Or even Scarlett Johanssen could play your leading lady.
9. Last but not least, make sure the audience loves it. If you and the audience enjoys it. That’s really all that matters.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not responsible any physical, mental, or emotional harm you, your friends, your family, or your pet hamster(s) experienced by following these steps. We do not believe these steps will guarantee that you will become a storyteller similar to the Storyteller portrayed by John Hurt on The Storyteller. Additionally, we are not responsible for any harm that is caused by celebrities you approach to play characters in your storytelling. We also do not agree that you should purchase snakes or other dangerous animals in attempt to further enhance your story. We seriously doubt using poisonous animals will help tell your story, especially if you have an audience. Look, we really are not responsible for anything that happens because of this article. Our legal department is down the toilet… literally (our new lawyer was Ryan’s goldfish and he forgot to feed him so…). So please, please, pretty please with Cröønchy Stars on top, don’t sue us. That’s all we ask!
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com