Maxwell Jessop – This week on “How To,” I’m going to give you the steps that will turn any average obsessed Muppet fan (well… as average as an obsessed Muppet fan can be) into the ultimate superhero. All you’ll need this week is the unkempt urge for justice… or just an urge to get on the news.
- First, you need to have a relentless appetite to protect and serve. Helping is the main part of the job (especially if someone needs help with early childhood education). So that appetite for superhero dogoodery (not a real word) is definitely something you need to have.
- As for powers, instead of having those cliché superpowers like strength and speed, you should probably go with something creative… and by creative, I mean something that won’t require a radioactive spider bite or other-worldly origin story. I’d suggest something simple like being able to find “EXIT” signs, demonstrating big and little, or showing people the Letter of the Day.
- Next, you need a super-outfit! Right after powers, this is a quintessential part of being a superhero, because you must have a good appearance. While it is important, it can be simple as well. Just slap a sticker with your initials on it onto your chest and grab a spare bed sheet for a cape and… bing bang! You look just like a superhero!
- Now that we’ve got your superpowers and outfit in order, you must be able to know when to use your powers. You should use your powers to help those in need. You should also come to help as quickly as possible. This might mean flying through ceilings or running through walls, but you must come to assistance whenever there is distress.
- When on the job you also must do whatever the civilian needs. Do not give up so easily if they try to tell you to give up or stop. Keep on helping. Even if the civilian figures out the problem himself or just storms off in complete and utter annoyance. Keep on helping!
- Now you’re very close to being a full-on super crime-fighter, but you must come up with an alter-ego. An alias that no one else would suspect is a super hero. Something alliterated would be good but don’t make it too memorable.
- Optional step: Take on a part-time jobs to further mask your super identity. It really helps, though it is not required, especially because most of us have Muppetology classes to attend.
- If you’re not tired after all those steps, you are now able to help the greater good because you are now a superhero! Now go outside and help those that need it.
- Finally, keep on showing off your super skills and be a helping hand to all… but, you should probably increase your popularity by being immortalized in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon or make an unnecessary upgrade with a fancy number after your name. Either way, keep on doing what’s right because that’s what being a hero all is about!
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional harm that is caused from following these steps. The Muppet Mindset also does not believe that these steps will give you the power and abilities of Super Grover, Super Grover 2.0, or any of his other super aliases. We do not believe that “superpowers” even exist. Even if they did, we would not think they could be attainable by the average Muppet fan–although, how awesome would that be? Superpowers and heroes are works of fiction and are not real, comic books, and Saturday morning cartoons. The Muppet Mindset is not now or will we ever be responsible if you end up in a hospital after falling through a ceiling, if Macy’s denies making a balloon version of you, or if trying to “save” little boys and girls puts you in a sticky legal situation. Just please don’t sue us at all.Our lawyer was Ryan’s Cat wearing glasses, but it decided to get contacts instead so we’re up the creek, if you catch our drift.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com