Maxwell Jessop – Just as it did way back in 2010, this series will provide Muppet fans with the tools to reach a goal. Today, that goal is to make friends with the little vermin living in your basement or cellar. If Gonzo could do it, why not you? Well, here are the nine simple steps to do it!
- Find a rat, whether in a basement, dark alley, at Pete’s Luncheonette, or in a testing lab at C.O.V.N.E.T. Any rat will do.
- Make sure you have food, rats love food. This will definitely win you over with a rat. Who knows, he might make you an honorary rat!
- Once you’ve gotten on the rat’s good side, get to know your rat. Was he named after a character from Midnight Cowboy? Does he have a crush on Brooke Shields?
- In contrast to #3, tell him about yourself. You’ll really hit it off if you’re blue and a have an oddly-shaped nose.
- Now for the really fun part, start hanging out with the rat. Once you do this, you’re guaranteed a solid friendship.
- Recite Charles Dickens. A little odd, but this will show of your zaniness and dedication to rampant narration.
- Go on a cruise. More specifically, a cruise on a pirate ship. It’ll be a little dangerous, odd, and risky for both your life and your wallet, but it’ll be worth it.
- By now, you two will be the best of friends. But to test the friendship, become roommates. If he’s a true roommate and friend, he won’t be bothered by your insane dreams about a goat and a dwarf and a jar of peanut butter.
- Optional step: Buy your rat a hat, jacket, and white t-shirt to keep him both warm and clothed. It also gives him something to wipe his hands on after he eats.
- If he’s still your friend after all those misadventures and danger. You are lucky… and you’ve accomplished your goal! But remember cherish your friend even if he does have an uncanny craving for cheese (or pizza or cookies or bologna or cereal or crab cakes or chicken or apples or anything else for that matter).
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not responsible for any harm caused to you, your family, your friends, your pets, your teacher, your cousin Billy, or your crazy old cat lady neighbor by a rat that you tried to become friends with. We also do not guarantee, or even believe, honestly, that this article will in any way guarantee you a rat with friendship capabilities like that of Rizzo the Rat (TM). Rizzo is a fictional character and in no way represents real life rats and is legally not a real rat in this or any article written on or near The Muppet Mindset. Additionally, taking a rat on a pirate ship would further distance the chances of a friendship, and may also aid in spreading the Black Plague, which notoriously wiped out most of Europe and my great-great-great uncle Lou in the 1300s. Furthermore, The Muppet Mindset is not at all responsible for any contraction of rat bites, rabies, aforementioned Plague, obesity, death, hairy knuckles, leaky oil tank, faulty wiring, or any other illness, dysfunction, or minor mishap caused by your “friendship” with a rat or rat-like species. In conclusion, please don’t sue us. The closest thing we have to a lawyer is Ryan’s Cat when we put glasses on it to make him look funny. So… yeah. Just don’t do what this article says. Honestly, you probably shouldn’t even read it.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, firstname.lastname@example.org