Finding Your Inner Hogthrob

Justin H. Piatt – Have you ever taken that extra minute in front of the mirror to primp? Have you ever taken that extra minute in front of the mirror and forgotten why you were taking that extra minute in front of the mirror? If so, then you’ve taken your first step towards…

Finding You Inner Hogthrob

Developing character flaws is a process which takes much time and energy. And so, to aid us in our endeavors to do so, we will examine the case of one particularly flawed individual: Link Hogthrob. (“…Me?”) Yes, you.

Link, or Linkerdoodles as his mommy would refer to him, started life as most do… as a baby. A pig baby. A pig baby with a very thick skull. Mommy Hoghthrob was very proud. When questioned about her son’s childhood, Link’s mommy responded with a hearty “Oy!” We waited for the “nk,” but it was not forthcoming.

Finding your inner Hogthrob will take effort. I should know, I’ve been playing hide-and-seek with mine for weeks, and the darn thing keeps moving around. But, I promise you, finding your inner Hogthrob is well worth it.

~ Understanding Link ~
Understanding Link Hogthrob is a process which requires those interested in doing so to first understand themselves. You may ask, “But why?” to which I would respond, “Because,” and you would react confused, but would ultimately accept the answer. This is the first step to understanding Link Hogthrob. Other steps are unnecessary, and at this point would further confuse the subject.

Now that we understand Link, let’s take a look at who he is…

~ Who is Link? ~
Before you say that this is the same as understanding Link, may I point out that it is not stated the same, and is therefore different.

– Link, the Dummy –
In the unreleased documentary, “A Link in the Head is Worth Two in the What,” Dr. Julius Strangepork introduced a segment on the mysterious nature of Hogthrob with the following: “What issh Link really? Of all the dummiessh the vorld hash known, the mosht intreegink of dummiessh ish Link himshelf. Ish thish a clever ploy to dishguishe shome dark shecret? Ishh Hogthob truly a dummy? Or ish he a criminal mashtermind of epic proporshinsh? An evil genioush, perhapsh? Or maybe a shuper shecret shpy of shome short!” Unfortunately, by the film’s end, it was concluded that Link is actually nothing more than a dummy, and thus the reason it remains unreleased.

Capturing this aspect of Link’s personality will prove vital. I will ask you to attempt the following to aid you in your quest to Hogthrobiness:

1.    Close your eyes. (If frightened of dark places, try to do this while keeping the eyelids open.)
2.    Think very hard. (If near a mental state of Link, this may hurt.)
3.    Clear head of all thought.
4.    … Uhhhh… I forget this step.

Easy? Fun? Confusing? You bet! You are now nearing perfect Hogthrobitude.

– Link, the Conceited –
The interests of Link include Link. Therefore, what is of concern to Link extends to such necessary items to the perfection of Link as cologne, exercise equipment, toupees and girdles.

To find your inner Hogthrob in this important area, we will recommend perhaps joining a gym or some sort of scent of the month club. I would also suggest investing in some plastic surgery that will provide you with your very own cleft chin. This is good advice for anyone wishing to better themselves, as a cleft chin is an indication of awesome.

– Link: God of Love? –
Link Hogthrob has always been the romantic, leading man-type. From his widely reported-on encounters with groupies during the making of The Muppet Show (even stealing a few of Sylvester Stallone’s), to his on-again, off-again, on-screen, off-screen romance with the lovely and talented Miss Piggy. Die-hard fans will even recall his failed courtship with… uh, Fozzie Bear in a wig.

We asked a fellow by the name of Kermit the Frog, one of Link’s rivals in love, about his opinion of the great love aficionado that is Link Hogthrob: “Well, uh, I… He’s certainly, uh… I don’t really… ‘Rival in love?’” The frog was obviously left speechless by the Throb that is Hog.

Unfortunately, God of Love is not really something anyone can develop. One is born with this great quality, and, let’s face it, you will never be the great lover that Link Hogthrob is, no matter how hard you try… And I do recommend that you try. Go ahead. Try it. It’s what Link would do!

So in conclusion, what do we know about Link Hogthrob? What do we know about ourselves? If you can answer either of these questions, then you have failed to find your inner Hogthrob. However, if you are currently staring at your computer screen with a blank look on your face and asking yourself, “What did I just read?” then congratulations! You are reaching a higher plane of Hogthrob. Fully discovering your inner Hogthrob is close at hand. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my inner Hogthrob is running off again, and I have to go catch it.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

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