Today on The Muppet Mindset, we welcome our good friend Jarrod Fairclough. Jarrod has his own blog that you should all check out as well! Jarrod comes to us today with an essay about everyone’s favorite numerical obsessed vampire and his lack of respect in Hollywood.
EDWARD CULLEN – A TWIHARD COUNT?
Jarrod Fairclough – A new craze has swept the world. A craze that has the girls swooning and their boyfriend’s muttering obscenities under their breath. I’m talking, of course, about the newest fad. Vampires.
With Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, it seems that everywhere you look, a vampire is being held up on a pedestal. Girls are kissing their boyfriends while thinking about Robert Pattinson, or that Taylor guy. I admit, I am not savvy with these shows, as I haven’t seen any of them. I’m not in their key demographic you see, being a heterosexual male and all.
But I know for a fact that many girls are drawn to, and I quote one of my friends here, “Robert Sexingson”. And yet aren’t we forgetting the most famous vampire of them all? One that has shown himself to be able to get the ladies just as well as Mr. Sexingson? A man that has been around for nearly forty years, and hasn’t aged a day? Count von Count of Sesame Street. They call him The Count, because he loves to count things! Well, that, and he inherited his father’s royal title…
Yes, this man is being forgotten in the recent craze of vampires! Where are all the paparazzi on Sesame Street, seeing what The Count had for dinner? (For the record, it was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 turkey salad rolls. 5 turkey salad rolls. Ah ah ah!) Why is it that this poor vampire is being overlooked? Where’s his new film series “Twilight: Counting the Moon”? I’m sure many girls would love to take the role of his Bella. In fact many have…
I firstly direct you to the lovely actress, Susan Sarandon. One night in 1989, herself and The Count were spotted driving home from, what we assume was, a date. Did Tim Robbins know about this? Already we see the pulling power that Count von Count has with the ladies. He managed to get Susan Sarandon to cheat on her de facto. After a bit of research, this reporter found that Sarandon had a child in 1989. Do we need to call Maury for a DNA test? Let’s see Edward Cullen get a girl to cheat on her boyfriend (although wasn’t Kristen Stewart going out with that kid from that awful Sky High movie when they got together?)
Then, there are the Countess’. 1, 2, 3 Countess’! Ah ah ah! We begin with a lady, only known as “The Countess” According to Muppet Wiki; this lady was to become The Count’s wife, after he had asked her to marry him many times! In true Hollywood style, this relationship seemed not to work out as the series became bigger and his profile raised, with The Count preferring to rub shoulders with younger ladies, and the previously mentioned Susan Sarandon!
Countess number two is Countess Dahling von Dahling. This lady was only seen briefly in Season 12, but seemed to be a much younger girl than The Count’s ex-fiancé. She was dumped after a short while, perhaps because her dog became too much for The Count to handle. Or perhaps it was because of Lady Two, another vampire The Count had a one night fling with.
Then we come to perhaps The Count’s one true lady love. Countess von Backwards. This Countess has stayed with The Count for more years than his previous girlfriends, including his fiancé. What makes this relationship last? They spent a lot of time together, having dinner together every night. The Count will always sing to her until she yells “STOP!” (Or, more accurately, “SHHTOP!”), and every plate breaks in the place. This seems to happen every night, with no regard to the poor waiters and waitress’. Not caring about the little people is a Hollywood tradition!
So, as we can see, Count von Count deserves some sort of fame in this whole vampire craze. He has the Hollywood thing down pat; after all he’s been doing it since 1972. He can get the ladies just as well as Edward Cullen. I’m sure just like teenagers today there’s a lot of angst in his life. So, come on Kristen Stewart, chick from X-Men, Boon from LOST and Vinnie from Home and Away (That’s a shout out to you Australian’s out there!) Ditch your silly little shows and movies, and hang out with Count von Count of Sesame Street! After all, he’s been in the game longer than any of you have been born…
Trashy Gossip Magazines I Read In The Hour Before My Work Closes Each Sunday Night
Behind My Forehead (My Brain)
My Friend Who Says “Robert Sexingson” Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous
A random Google images search